Nothing gives me more anxiety than being (intentionally/unintentionally) ignored by my partner. Texting him endlessly, blaming him, ignoring him back, or trying to make him jealous were some of my unhealthy approaches to solve conflicts. I couldn’t stand the fact that he was enjoying his time somewhere else while I was waiting for him. Little did I know that this behavior was unattractive and could damage our relationship.
Men get offended when you make them responsible for your feelings, like sadness or anger, especially when they are unaware of it. I was constantly trying to make him understand me, but I failed to realize that I needed to understand myself first. My happiness and sadness were excessively dependent on him, and I mistook it for “love,” when in reality, it was my codependency at play. Instead of trying to change him, I should have focused on changing myself.
If you find yourself in a similar situation, this post is for you. I’ll share the exact steps I followed to break free from my insecure and dependent behavior, which was negatively impacting our relationship. However, I must warn you that this journey was far from easy for me, and it won’t be a walk in the park for you either. If you genuinely want to create a secure and happy relationship, you’ll need to step out of your comfort zone. So, are you ready to embark on this journey of transformation for a more secure and fulfilling relationship, even if it means feeling uncomfortable at times? Let’s dive in!
Acceptance: Embracing Growth and Responsibility in Relationships
The Pain of Change
Accepting the fact that “I need to change” isn’t easy. Change can be painful, but it’s a different kind of pain – like the discomfort you feel while exercising to build strength. The pain of change is the pain of growth, and if you’ve acknowledged that you need to change yourself first to create positive changes in your relationship, you’ve already taken the first step on the ladder of personal growth.
It’s Not Anyone’s Fault
It’s crucial to recognize that the way you and your partner behave is not anyone’s fault. It’s a result of the programming in our subconscious minds that shapes our responses to various scenarios. For instance, during conflicts, you might be overwhelmed by fears and resort to endless communication, while your partner may withdraw and distance themselves.
Taking Responsibility
Our behavior is not about blame; it’s about understanding and taking responsibility. If we continue to behave in ways that harm our relationship, that is on us. You must accept that your insecure behavior was detrimental to your relationship and recognize that only you are responsible for your happiness. Embrace the fact that you need to change to become a more secure and contented person in yourself and within your relationship.
Recognize Triggers
Understanding Your Emotional Buttons
Every person has their own triggers that lead them to act in ways they wouldn’t under normal circumstances. These triggers are situations, acts, or words that provoke an insecure mentality, causing your mind to panic and seek secure comfort again. As a result, you may find yourself doing things you would never do for anyone else, believing that resolving the issue immediately is the only path to happiness. Holding onto this illusion, you might resort to blaming, crying, begging, portraying your partner as a cruel person, or giving them the silent treatment while feeling overwhelmed by anger and sadness.
Reflect and Analyze
To change your reactions, the first step is recognizing the buttons that launch your responses. Observe yourself and identify the reasons that lead you into insecure and anxious behavior. Ask yourself the following questions and jot down your answers on paper:
- What was the last argument you had with your partner?
- What do you think triggered your insecurities during that argument?
- Which words from your partner make you feel insecure?
- What takes you out of your secure and comfortable state?
- What fears are behind your reactions?
- Why are you so afraid of losing this person?
- Why is it challenging for you to believe in your partner?
- Why do you think they are solely responsible for your life’s happiness?
Developing Coping Strategies
By recognizing your triggers and understanding the reasons behind them, you can develop coping strategies to avoid falling back into the insecure trap repeatedly. Consider writing down coping strategies that suit you best to handle such situations when they arise again. Empower yourself to respond differently, break free from old patterns, and nurture a more secure and fulfilling relationship.
Be Lazier: Embracing Patience in Relationships
Allowing Love to Unfold Naturally
One of the reasons I was so insecure was my impatience. My partner is not as quick to reply, and whenever his responses were delayed, I would panic and bombard his phone with messages until he replied. This unhealthy approach often led to arguments, and I failed to realize that he wasn’t unloving me; he was just slow in responding.
Men and Their Own Pace
Yes, dear ladies, men are logical creatures who take their time to process things and have their own speed to get things done. If you are impatient like me, it’s time to start practicing being lazier in your approach. Allow him to take his time without trying to control him. Lean back and let him handle things in his own way. If he takes an hour to reply, challenge yourself to take two hours to respond, just to be lazier than him.
Visualization for Patience
Believe me, it was a real challenge for me to transition from extreme impatience to patient inaction. To cope with the feelings of missing him, I would close my eyes and visualize myself crossing my arms, confidently leaning back in my seat, and letting him do whatever he’s doing.
A Journey Worth Taking
This simple visualization gives me a boost of confidence and helps me embrace patience in our relationship. It’s a practice that requires effort but can lead to a healthier and more understanding connection with your partner. By allowing love to unfold naturally, you create a space for genuine affection and a deeper bond to grow between both of you.
Focus on Yourself: A Key to Mental and Relationship Health
Understanding the Dynamic
This is the most helpful strategy for your mental and relationship health. Ever wondered why you’re so focused on your partner? The answer is simple – he is focused on himself. Instead of expecting him to focus on you, shift your attention to yourself. The equation is straightforward:
Your Focus = His Focus
if you focus on him, he’ll focus on himself; and if you focus on you, he’ll focus on you.
Breaking Free from Dependency
I know the feeling of being so dependent on my partner for happiness and other emotions. It consumed me, making it difficult to find joy in anything else. Even though I loved reading books, watching K-dramas, writing, and self-care, those activities lost their appeal during rough patches with him. I was just waiting for him, and it ended up ruining precious moments of joy.
Prioritize Your Passions
If you can find happiness in your favorite activities despite the ups and downs of your relationship, it’s a very healthy approach that you should maintain. However, if you’re like me, constantly obsessing over him and imagining hypothetical scenarios of future conversations, you need to put in extra effort to shift your focus. Start imagining yourself enjoying your favorite things instead of dwelling on imaginary scenarios with him. Make other aspects of your life more important to you.
Empowering Affirmations
Repeat affirmations like “Reading books is more important to me,” “I enjoy self-care the most,” “Wearing my favorite dress brings me the most happiness,” or “Focusing on my career is so much fun for me.” These affirmations will help you shift your focus away from unhealthy obsessions and towards the things that genuinely matter to you.
Focus on Learning and Growth
I would also recommend focusing on learning more, like reading posts that encourage healthy practices. Engaging in such reading can be beneficial for personal growth and understanding, supporting your journey towards a healthier mindset and relationship. Remember, focusing on yourself and your personal growth will ultimately lead to a more fulfilling and balanced life.
Replace Blaming With Effective Communication
Understanding the Power of Effective Communication
Accept it or not, but effective communication is the real relationship savior. Yet, most of us tend to overlook this crucial factor, which often leads to increased insecurity within the relationship.
Roots of Offense: Addressing Insecurities
Getting offended by your partner is often rooted in deep-seated insecurities. As a defense mechanism, we resort to blaming rather than engaging in effective communication, which only worsens the situation.
Seeking Attention Without Blame: A Balancing Act
Blaming your partner for conflicts is not your fault; it’s your mind’s way of seeking attention and validation. While seeking attention is natural, the methods we adopt to seek it can leave us in even more challenging situations.
Empowering Communication: Conveying Expectations
Instead of blaming, you can express your feelings to your partner without making them feel offended. Here’s how:
1. Choose Your Words Wisely: Before expressing yourself, put yourself in their shoes and try to understand the real reason behind their actions.
2. Convey Expectations: Instead of taunting, calmly explain that you have certain expectations in the relationship. Share that, like them, you also have different priorities and feel uneasy when those priorities are jeopardized.
Embracing Effective Communication: Strengthening Your Bond
For Example:
Instead of saying, “Why didn’t you reply to me for 2 days?”
You can say, “Our together time is important to me, and I feel upset when we can’t spend time together.”
By adopting effective communication, you give your relationship the chance to grow and create opportunities for both of you to change and grow for the sake of your love. Open and honest dialogue can strengthen your bond and foster a healthier connection between you and your partner.
Conclusion
In conclusion, overcoming insecurity and dependency in relationships is a transformative journey that begins with self-awareness and acceptance. Recognizing our triggers and understanding the power of effective communication can lead to profound changes in how we approach conflicts and interact with our partners. By focusing on ourselves and finding happiness beyond the relationship, we empower personal growth and create a healthier dynamic within the partnership. Embracing patience and learning to be less impatient can bring harmony and understanding to the relationship, as we allow love to unfold naturally. Shifting from blaming to effective communication opens the door to genuine connection and strengthens the bond between partners. With these strategies in mind, we can pave the way for a more secure, fulfilling, and joyful relationship, built on self-love, respect, and mutual understanding. Remember, it is a journey worth taking, and with dedication and effort, we can build a love that withstands the tests of time.