Why 99% Relationships FAIL

Life’s tough moments are like teachers, and I learned a big lesson the hard way. Thinking I was in love, I realized I was actually fooling myself by depending too much on my partner, a trap many girls, like me, often fall into. During our communication break, it hit me – I had let go of who I really was.

My day started to revolve around the emojis he used in his morning texts, or if he didn’t text at all. I got so caught up that I forgot about my goals, dreams, and the things I loved doing. Even though he made me really happy, I got hooked on that happiness. As time passed, I got scared of losing him, and that fear took over. Small things made me feel insecure. I was only happy when he was around, and the thought of him not being there scared me. In my struggle to hold on to him, I ended up losing not just myself but, in the end, him too. Even though it was a temporary communication break but this is how tough times taught me the real cost of losing who you are in the name of love.

1) Understanding:

If You Don't Want to End Your Relationship Learn the Lesson. 

Losing yourself in a relationship can be a silent threat, but it doesn’t have to mean the end. Learning from my experience, the first step is understanding the concept of Identity Erosion within relationships.

What is Identity Erosion?

Identity Erosion in relationships refers to the gradual fading of one’s individuality, interests, and personal goals in the pursuit of a romantic connection. It’s like losing the pieces of yourself that make you unique, leaving behind a version of you that is solely defined by the relationship.

Early Signs

Recognizing identity erosion early on is crucial. It often begins subtly, with compromises that seem harmless at first. Small adjustments in preferences or priorities may occur to align more closely with the partner. For example, if you once loved comedy movies but gradually find yourself giving it up because your partner like crime thrillers, it could be an early sign of identity erosion. Over time, these subtle shifts can accumulate, overshadowing personal needs and desires.

As the erosion progresses, emotional dependency may intensify, leading to an overreliance on the partner for happiness and validation. This dependency becomes a silent force, impacting decision-making and self-esteem. The early signs can be elusive, easily dismissed as natural adaptations to being in a relationship.

Impact on Individuals

Real-life stories vividly illustrate the profound impact of identity erosion. Consider situations where individuals, like myself, lost touch with their dreams, passions, and personal goals. Relationships should enhance our lives, not replace them. These examples highlight how unchecked erosion can lead to emotional distress, hinder personal growth, and strain the very foundation of the relationship.

Understanding the nuances of identity erosion is pivotal in safeguarding the longevity and health of a relationship. By recognizing the signs early, couples can embark on a journey to rediscover and preserve individual identities, fostering a love that complements rather than consumes.

2) Causes of Losing Yourself:

To understand why we might lose who we are in a relationship, let’s look at a few common reasons. There’s this empty feeling inside us that we want to fill, especially when our partner makes us feel really special. In those moments, it’s like they’re filling up that emptiness, and we feel complete. The worst part is thinking they can do it forever.

Empty Feeling:

Inside us, there’s a gap that wants to be filled, and our partner can do it for a little while. They make us feel heard, seen, and important, and it’s great. But relying on them all the time for this feeling isn’t a good plan.

Codependency:

This can turn into something called “codependency.” It’s when you rely too much on your partner for everything, especially for feeling happy and complete. At first, it seems nice, but depending on them for everything can make you forget who you are.

High Expectations:

Sometimes, we expect our partner to be everything for us – always making us happy, always understanding. That’s not really possible, and when it doesn’t happen, we feel let down. These unrealistic expectations can mess with our own identity.

Ineffective Communication:

When we don’t talk openly about what we want or set some limits, it creates confusion. If you keep your dreams and wishes to yourself, it becomes hard for your partner to understand you. This lack of clear communication can make you lose sight of who you are.

Understanding these things can help keep a relationship strong without losing yourself along the way.

3) Impacts on Relationship:

A. Strain on Emotional Well-being:

Losing yourself in a relationship puts a substantial strain on your emotional well-being. When your happiness becomes intricately tied to your partner’s actions or moods, it creates a rollercoaster of emotions. For instance, if a partner’s mood can dictate your entire day, the resulting emotional stress becomes a heavy burden.

B. Communication Breakdowns and Conflicts:

The loss of personal identity often leads to communication breakdowns, a silent culprit in relationship struggles. Misunderstandings can fester when personal needs are unclear or unexpressed. If, for example, you feel neglected but fail to communicate this, it sets the stage for conflicts. Unspoken expectations sow the seeds of frustration, fostering tension and discord within the relationship.

C. Neglecting Personal Growth:

As personal identity wanes, so does individual growth. Dreams, passions, and personal goals may take a backseat. Consider the scenario where a beloved hobby is abandoned because your partner isn’t interested—it’s a recipe for stagnation. This neglect of personal development can lead to a sense of being stuck and unfulfilled within the confines of the relationship.

D. Erosion of Trust:

Losing oneself in a relationship can erode trust. When individual identity fades, doubts about authenticity and sincerity may arise. Trust, once shaken, can be challenging to rebuild, impacting the foundation of a healthy relationship.

E. Limited Relationship Resilience:

Over-dependence on a partner for emotional well-being can make the relationship vulnerable. The inability to navigate challenges independently can strain the resilience needed to weather the ups and downs, making the relationship fragile.

F. Diminished Intimacy:

Losing individual identity can lead to a loss of intimacy. The uniqueness that individuals bring to a relationship contributes to its depth. When this uniqueness fades, the depth of connection may diminish, affecting the overall intimacy between partners.

These impacts act as fissures in the foundation of a relationship. The strain on emotional well-being, communication breakdowns, stagnation of personal growth, erosion of trust, limited resilience, and diminished intimacy form hurdles that, if not addressed, can weaken the bond between partners. Recognizing and proactively addressing these consequences is crucial for fostering a healthy, resilient relationship that allows both individuals to thrive.

4) Rediscovering Yourself: A Step-by-Step Guide

1) Know Your Priorities:

While your partner may hold a significant place in your life, it’s crucial to acknowledge other priorities. Identify at least 10 aspects that matter to you, such as family, career, hobbies, health, and personal growth. This step lays the foundation for a well-rounded life.

2) Balance Your Priorities:

Maximize your focus on various priorities by creating a balanced schedule. Allocate dedicated time for work, family, personal interests, and self-care. For instance, allocate specific evenings for pursuing a hobby or dedicate weekends to quality time with friends and family.

3) Set Personal Goals:

Establish personal goals that align with your individual aspirations. Whether it’s pursuing further education, achieving fitness milestones, or mastering a skill, having specific objectives helps reignite a sense of purpose beyond the relationship. Real-life example: If you’ve always wanted to learn a new language, set a goal to spend 30 minutes each day practicing.

4) Reconnect with Hobbies:

Rediscover the activities that brought you joy before the relationship. Engaging in hobbies not only rejuvenates your spirit but also reintroduces elements of your identity that may have been overlooked. For instance, if you loved painting, set aside time weekly to indulge in this creative outlet.

5) Expand Your Social Circle:

Cultivate and strengthen relationships beyond your romantic partnership. Spend time with friends, both new and old, fostering connections that contribute to your social well-being. Real-life example: Plan a casual outing with friends, such as a movie night or a coffee catch-up, to rejuvenate social connections.

6) Practice Self-Care:

Make self-care a non-negotiable part of your routine. This includes physical, emotional, and mental well-being. Simple practices like regular exercise, meditation, or enjoying a relaxing bath contribute to maintaining a healthy sense of self.

7) Reflect on Your Values:

Take time to reflect on your core values and beliefs. Ensure that your actions align with these principles, fostering authenticity and a genuine connection with yourself. Real-life example: If honesty is a core value, practice open communication in all aspects of your life.

8) Learn Something New:

Embrace continuous learning as a means of personal growth. Whether it’s picking up a new skill, exploring a subject of interest, or taking up a course, the process of learning fosters a dynamic and evolving sense of self.

9) Travel and Explore:

If possible, explore new places and experiences. Traveling broadens perspectives, introduces you to different cultures, and provides opportunities for self-discovery. Even local adventures can offer a refreshing change of scenery.

10) Seek Professional Guidance:

Consider seeking the assistance of a therapist or life coach to guide you through the process of self-discovery. Professional support can offer valuable insights, coping strategies, and a structured approach to rediscovering yourself.

Unbothered Workbook: A Companion on Your Journey: By the way, I’ve designed a workbook titled “Unbothered.” It’s a 21-day challenge crafted to help you discover your true self beyond the bothers of relationships and life. The workbook spans three weeks: the first builds your unbothered mindset, the second guides you through tiny steps toward unbothered living, and the third integrates these habits into your personality, helping you become the best version of yourself.

Each day in the workbook consists of two steps, unique for each day, including exercises, practices, journaling prompts, and more. This structured approach is meant to provide daily guidance, making your journey towards rediscovering yourself both manageable and impactful. Get Yours!

Final Words:

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Embarking on the journey of rediscovering oneself within a relationship is a transformative process. From the early realization of emotional dependency to the practical steps of reclaiming individual identity, the path is marked with challenges and triumphs. Recognizing the signs of identity erosion, understanding its causes, and navigating its impacts are vital steps in building a resilient and fulfilling relationship. As the guide concludes, the importance of embracing personal growth, fostering diverse priorities, and seeking professional support is underscored. The journey is not about abandoning love but rather about enriching it with the authenticity of individuality, creating a stronger foundation for lasting connections and personal fulfillment.