How I Stopped Being A People Pleaser

I used to be a people pleaser, always putting others before myself, especially with my family and in romantic relationships. I would say yes to things I didn’t want to do, just to make others happy. But by the end of the day, I felt exhausted, sad, and wondered why I was never enough. It didn’t matter how much I did; I still felt empty and unappreciated.

One day, I stumbled across a random YouTube video, and something clicked. I realized that my happiness was tied to how happy I made others. This revelation opened my eyes to the cycle I was trapped in, and I knew I had to make a change. In this blog post, I’ll explore the causes and effects of people-pleasing and share how I finally broke free from it.

Who Is a People Pleaser?

A people pleaser is someone who constantly seeks to make others happy, often at the expense of their own needs and desires. They have a hard time saying no, fear disappointing others, and crave approval and validation. People pleasers often go out of their way to avoid conflict, even if it means sacrificing their own well-being. This behavior stems from a deep-rooted need to be liked and accepted by everyone around them. If you find yourself always putting others first and neglecting your own needs, you might be struggling with people-pleasing tendencies.

Causes of People Pleasing

1. Conditional Love
Growing up, some people learn that love and approval come only when they behave in ways that others deem “good.” If they do something “bad,” they may face criticism or rejection. This kind of upbringing can lead to a lifelong habit of people-pleasing. The constant need to seek approval and avoid disapproval can become deeply ingrained, driving someone to prioritize others’ happiness over their own. This creates an inner fear of making mistakes, leading to behaviors aimed at always pleasing those around them.

2. Golden Child Syndrome
Being the “golden child” in a family often means being the one who keeps the peace and meets the expectations of others. These children quickly learn to read their parents’ moods and adapt their behavior to maintain harmony at home. This constant pressure to keep everyone happy fosters people-pleasing behaviors. For example, a child might become overly attuned to what makes their parents happy and constantly strive to meet those expectations, even if it means ignoring their own needs.

3. Fear of Being Selfish
Many people pleasers struggle with a deep-rooted fear that saying no or putting themselves first is selfish. This fear often stems from a belief that they must always be accommodating and helpful to be worthy of love and acceptance. As a result, they consistently put others’ needs before their own, even when it’s detrimental to their well-being. For instance, they might agree to take on extra tasks at work or in relationships, even when they’re already overwhelmed, just to avoid being seen as selfish or uncaring.

Effects of Being a People Pleaser

• Being Taken for Granted: People may start to expect you to always accommodate their needs without showing appreciation. This can lead to feelings of undervaluation and frustration.
• Compromised Self-Respect: Constantly prioritizing others over yourself can erode your self-respect and self-esteem, making you feel inadequate and unworthy.
• Dependency on External Validation: Your self-worth may become tied to others’ approval and compliments, leading to a constant need for reassurance and making you vulnerable to manipulation.
• Victim Mentality: Feeling like you give too much and receive too little can create a victim mentality, leading to resentment and a negative outlook on life and relationships.
• Unhealthy Relationships: Consistently putting others first can result in one-sided relationships where your needs are ignored, leading to emotional drain and unfulfilling connections. Learn Why Do Anxious And Avoidant Attract & How To Make It Work.

How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

1. Validate Yourself

The core of people pleasing often lies in seeking external validation. To break this habit, start by focusing on self-validation. This means acknowledging and appreciating your own efforts and achievements without waiting for others to do it for you. Begin by practicing self-compliments. Look in the mirror and affirm your strengths and qualities. Celebrate your small victories, whether they’re personal or professional. For instance, if you complete a challenging task or make progress on a personal goal, take a moment to recognize and appreciate your accomplishment. By consistently validating yourself, you’ll begin to shift your reliance away from others’ approval and build a stronger sense of self-worth from within.

2. Start Small

Making changes doesn’t have to be overwhelming. Begin with small, manageable steps to assert yourself. One practical approach is to start voicing your own opinions and preferences. For example, if you’ve always gone along with your partner’s movie choices because they dislike romantic comedies, try expressing your own preferences. Share that you enjoy rom-coms and would like to watch one occasionally. You might worry that this will negatively impact your relationship, but in my experience, it doesn’t. My partner respected my choices more when I began to assert my likes and dislikes. This small step helped me realize that being honest about what I want doesn’t push people away; instead, it can strengthen mutual respect.

3. Avoid Giving Brief Explanations

When you need to say no, resist the urge to over-explain. People pleasers often feel compelled to provide long-winded justifications for their decisions, hoping to soften the refusal and avoid conflict. However, a simple “no” is often enough. For example, if you’re asked to take on an additional task and you’re already busy, you can say, “I’m sorry, but I can’t take that on right now; my schedule is full.” There’s no need to elaborate further. This practice not only helps you set clear boundaries but also reinforces that you’re entitled to your own space and time without needing to justify every decision.

4. Be Okay with Others’ Disappointments

Accept that it’s impossible to please everyone, no matter how hard you try. You could be the best “orange in the garden,” but some people simply won’t like oranges, and that’s perfectly okay. Acknowledge that others’ disappointments are not your responsibility. Practice telling yourself, “Their disappointment isn’t my responsibility.” This mindset shift helps you detach from the need to manage others’ reactions and reinforces that their feelings are theirs to handle, not yours. Learn How To Stop Caring What Others Think Of You.

5. Not My Business, Not My Problem

As a people pleaser, you might find yourself trying to fix everyone’s problems, especially those close to you. However, not everyone wants or needs your help, and that’s their right. If someone pushes your assistance away, remind yourself that it’s not your problem to solve. For instance, if a family member doesn’t want your advice or help, it’s okay to step back and let them handle their own issues. By practicing this mindset, you’ll reduce the emotional burden of feeling responsible for others’ problems and start focusing more on your own well-being.

6. Be Selfish

The term “selfish” often triggers discomfort in people pleasers, but it’s crucial to understand that practicing self-care is not inherently selfish. Prioritizing your well-being is essential for maintaining balance and health. Make sure to set aside “me time” regularly, even if it means saying no to others’ demands. This might involve enjoying a hobby, taking a relaxing bath, or simply spending time alone. By focusing on your own needs and well-being, you recharge and become better equipped to handle the demands of daily life. Remember, taking care of yourself is not a luxury; it’s a necessity for a healthy and fulfilling life.

7. Stop Over-Apologizing

People pleasers often apologize excessively to avoid conflict or to smooth over uncomfortable situations. However, over-apologizing can undermine your self-respect and doesn’t necessarily lead to healthier outcomes. Instead of preemptively saying sorry, practice stepping back from the situation. If you find yourself apologizing to avoid a conflict, consider whether it’s necessary. Often, withdrawing and redirecting your energy to something productive or enjoyable can be more beneficial. By reducing the frequency of unnecessary apologies, you conserve your emotional resources and maintain a healthier sense of self.

8. Heal Fear of Abandonment

A significant driver behind people-pleasing is the fear of abandonment. People pleasers often worry that not meeting others’ expectations will lead to rejection or abandonment. To counteract this fear, work on building a strong sense of self and enjoying your own company. Engage in activities that make you feel fulfilled and content on your own. This might include pursuing personal interests or spending time reflecting on your strengths and achievements. By learning to be comfortable with yourself and valuing your own presence, you’ll become less reliant on others for validation and more secure in your relationships. Learn How To *ACTUALLY* heal Abandonment Fear.

9. Develop Self-Awareness

People pleasing often stems from unconscious motivations and the desire to manipulate outcomes through pleasing behaviors. To address this, practice self-awareness and introspection. Journaling can be a powerful tool for uncovering your underlying motives and desires. Write about your interactions and feelings, and reflect on what you hope to achieve through people pleasing. This practice helps you recognize patterns in your behavior and understand what you’re truly seeking. By gaining insight into your motivations, you can begin to make more conscious choices that align with your genuine needs and desires, rather than seeking approval from others. Use shadow work journal for deep healing.

10. Communicate Your Needs Without Guilt

Effective communication is key to overcoming people pleasing. Learn to express your needs and boundaries clearly and confidently, without feeling guilty. Practice stating your needs in a straightforward manner, using “I” statements to express how you feel and what you require. For example, instead of saying, “I’m sorry, but I need some time alone,” try, “I need some alone time to recharge.” This approach helps you assert your needs without apology and reinforces your right to prioritize your own well-being. Clear communication helps set healthy boundaries and fosters more respectful and balanced relationships.

Key Takeaways

1. People Pleasing Defined: People pleasers seek to make others happy at their own expense and fear rejection.
2. Conditional Love: Growing up with love based on good behavior can lead to people-pleasing tendencies.
3. Golden Child Syndrome: Being expected to keep the peace can foster people-pleasing behaviors.
4. Fear of Being Selfish: Believing that saying no is selfish can drive you to put others’ needs first.
5. Being Taken for Granted: People pleasers may feel undervalued and unappreciated over time.
6. Compromised Self-Respect: Constantly putting others first can erode your self-respect.
7. Dependency on Validation: People pleasers often rely on others’ approval to feel good about themselves.
8. Victim Mentality: Feeling like you give too much but receive too little can create a victim mindset.
9. Unhealthy Relationships: Putting others first can lead to imbalanced, one-sided relationships.
10. Validate Yourself: Practice self-validation by acknowledging your own achievements and strengths.
11. Start Small: Begin asserting your preferences and opinions in small ways to build confidence.
12. Avoid Over-Explaining: Learn to say no without providing lengthy explanations or justifications.
13. Accept Disappointments: Understand that you can’t please everyone and that’s okay.
14. Not My Business, Not My Problem: Let go of the need to solve others’ problems if they don’t want your help.
15. Heal Fear of Abandonment: Work on enjoying your own company and building self-esteem to reduce fear of rejection.

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