Why Do Anxious And Avoidant Attract & How To Make It Work

If you’re here, it’s clear you’re caught in the anxious-avoidant trap. Whether you’re in a relationship or recently broke up, you might feel like your love life is doomed. Many experts advise avoiding insecure attachment styles, but love doesn’t always follow the rules. Falling for someone with an anxious or avoidant attachment style can be confusing and painful.

But here’s the good news: it’s not as bad as it seems. Understanding why anxious and avoidant people attract each other is the first step. Next, we’ll explore when things get complicated and why it feels so painful. Finally, you’ll learn how anxious and avoidant relationships can work with the right strategies. So, let’s dive into the fascinating dynamics of anxious and avoidant relationships and discover how to turn the trap into a healthy, loving partnership.

Section 1: Why Do Anxious and Avoidant Attract?

Reason 1: Control

• Avoidant: Avoidants tend to crave control. It’s easy for them to direct the anxious partner, steering the course of the relationship.
• Anxious: Anxious individuals seek dependence. When the avoidant is in control, it reinforces the anxious person’s need to rely on them.

Reason 2: Vulnerability

• Avoidant: Avoidants often lack open emotional expression, so they are drawn to anxious partners who fill that emotional void.
• Anxious: Anxious individuals are attracted to avoidants because they can remain anxious and insecure. They constantly seek reassurance, which the avoidant’s reserved nature inadvertently supports.

Reason 3: Trust

• Avoidant: Avoidants are drawn to anxious partners because they are easy to trust. Anxious partners are always seeking approval and validation, which makes them appear reliable to the avoidant.
• Anxious: Anxious individuals have a strong need to prove themselves. The avoidant’s trust, which is hard to earn, satisfies the anxious person’s need for validation and hard work.

Section 2: Why It Doesn’t Work?

When the intimacy and emotional attachment start increasing in anxious-avoidant relationships, both partners react in very different ways, leading to complications.

Anxious Partner’s Reaction

• Increased Emotionality: As intimacy grows, the anxious partner becomes more emotional and begins to expect the avoidant to open up and share their feelings.
• Expectations: They try to make the avoidant partner more emotionally expressive, which feels like a threat to the avoidant’s independence.
• Panic and Pursuit: When the avoidant pulls away, the anxious partner panics and tries even harder to close the gap, leading to more distance from the avoidant.

Avoidant Partner’s Reaction

• Loss of Independence: As they become more emotionally involved, avoidants feel like they are losing their sense of self and independence.
• Need for Space: They try to regain their sense of self by seeking space, which the anxious partner interprets as abandonment.
• Increased Distance: The avoidant partner pulls away even more when the anxious partner tries to get closer, feeling overwhelmed and out of control.

This push-and-pull dynamic creates a cycle of anxiety and avoidance, making it difficult for the relationship to progress in a healthy and balanced way.

Section 3: How Can Anxious and Avoidant Relationships Work?

5. Heal Yourself First

• Self-Improvement: Focus on your own emotional health and growth. Avoid trying to change your partner; instead, work on understanding and managing your attachment style. Try Rise in love workbook.
• Avoid Manipulation: Be aware of any unconscious manipulation. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and understanding, not control.

4. Space

• For Anxious Partners: Give your avoidant partner the space they need. Develop a fulfilling life outside of the relationship, including hobbies, friendships, and personal goals. Learn more about how to deal with anxiety when he isn’t there for you.
• For Avoidant Partners: Reassure your anxious partner when you need space. Use clear communication, such as, “I need some time alone, but I love you and will be back soon.”

3. Vulnerability

• Expressing Feelings: Openly share your feelings and insecurities with your partner without blaming them. Use “I” statements to take responsibility for your emotions.
• Taking Responsibility: Understand that your feelings and insecurities are your own responsibility. Communicating them effectively can build trust and intimacy.

2. Understanding Each Other’s Needs

• Support Each Other: Recognize and respect each other’s need for space or closeness. Provide support by validating your partner’s feelings and calmly expressing your own needs.
• Calm Communication: Ask for what you need in a calm and non-confrontational manner. Understanding and compromise are key.

1. Avoid Comparison

• Unique Relationships: Every relationship is unique. Avoid comparing your relationship to others, as this can create unrealistic expectations and dissatisfaction.
• Focus on Your Relationship: Concentrate on the strengths and areas of improvement in your own relationship. Celebrate your unique bond and work together to overcome challenges.

By implementing these strategies, anxious and avoidant partners can create a balanced, understanding, and loving relationship.

Key Takeaways

• Anxious and avoidant individuals often attract each other due to control, vulnerability, and trust dynamics.
• Avoidants prefer control and find it easy to steer the relationship with an anxious partner.
• Anxious people seek dependence and feel comfortable with avoidants who take control.
• Avoidants lack emotional expression and are drawn to the emotional openness of anxious partners.
• Anxious partners feel secure seeking reassurance from avoidants who are less expressive.
• Avoidants trust anxious partners more easily because of their constant need for approval.
• Anxious individuals feel validated by earning the avoidant’s trust through hard work.
• Relationship struggles arise when anxious partners become too emotional and avoidants seek more space.
• Healing yourself first and understanding your own attachment style is crucial for relationship success.
• Open communication, respect for each other’s needs, and avoiding comparisons can help balance anxious-avoidant relationships.

For more insights on love, manifestation, self-development, and emotional intelligence, follow my blog! Discover how to create healthier relationships and grow as an individual.

If you made it till the end Give this post a ❤.